In part two of the interview and portrait of Orion Taraban, a psychologist in the San Francisco Bay area, he discusses the concept of romantic relationships and their potential for being transactional. Orion dives into the distinction between romantic love and other types of love, highlighting the unrequited, obstructive, and often tragic nature of romantic relationships. He also explores the idea of healthy adult relationships being transactional, emphasizing that individuals need and want things from others. Orion further delves into the three primary strategies for dealing with the problems of other people: moving towards, moving against, and moving away. Ultimately, he concludes that for a relationship to occur, there must be a transaction of value. This thought-provoking interview challenges conventional notions of love and offers a unique perspective on the psychology behind human relationships.
Transactional Nature of Relationships
Romantic relationships may or may not be transactional
When discussing the transactional nature of relationships, it is important to clarify what we mean by “romantic” relationships. Often, the term “romantic” is used as a euphemism for sexual relationships. In this context, sexual relationships are generally considered transactional, as they involve a mutual exchange of physical pleasure and intimacy.
However, when we delve deeper into the concept of romantic love, we find that it is different from other types of love. Romantic love is characterized by unrequited feelings, obstacles, and a tendency towards tragedy and failure. It is not solely based on an exchange of value or pleasure, but rather encompasses a complex range of emotions and experiences.
Sexual relationships are generally considered transactional
Unlike romantic relationships, sexual relationships are typically seen as transactional. In these relationships, there is a clear exchange of physical pleasure and intimacy between individuals. Both parties involved have their own needs and desires that they seek to fulfill through the sexual encounter.
Challenges in Romantic Relationships
Romantic love is different from other types of love
Romantic love stands apart from other types of love due to its unique characteristics. It encompasses a wide range of emotions such as passion, desire, and obsession. Romantic love often involves unrequited feelings, where one person may deeply love someone who does not reciprocate those feelings. This unrequited nature of romantic love can lead to emotional pain and heartbreak.
Love can be unrequited, obstructive, and tend towards tragedy and failure
Romantic love is not always reciprocated or successful. In fact, it often faces obstacles and tends towards tragedy and failure. This is due to the complex dynamics of romantic relationships, which can involve misunderstandings, miscommunications, and conflicting goals and desires. The challenges in romantic relationships can lead to emotional turmoil and the potential for heartbreak.
Transactional Aspects of Healthy Adult Relationships
Healthy adult relationships can be transactional
In healthy adult relationships, there are transactional aspects that cannot be ignored. People have their own needs and wants, and they seek to fulfill those needs through their relationships with others. These transactions can range from emotional support and companionship to the exchange of resources and assistance.
There are three primary strategies for dealing with the problems of other people: moving towards, moving against, and moving away
When navigating the challenges that come with other people’s problems, individuals tend to adopt one of three primary strategies: moving towards, moving against, or moving away. Moving towards involves entering into a relationship and seeking a mutual resolution. Moving against involves confrontational or aggressive behaviors. Moving away entails becoming independent and self-reliant, distancing oneself from the problems of others. These strategies are rooted in the transactional nature of relationships, as individuals seek to address their own needs and wants while confronting the challenges presented by others.
The Essence of Love
For a relationship to happen, there must be a transaction of value
In any relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, there is a transaction of value. People enter into relationships because they see the potential for gaining something they need or want from the other person. This transactional aspect is an inherent part of the human nature and the desire for connection.
Love is unique and cannot be defined by other emotions or actions
Love is a multifaceted and unique experience that cannot be defined by other emotions or actions. It encompasses a wide range of feelings, including passion, tenderness, and selflessness. Love goes beyond mere infatuation or attraction and involves a deep connection and care for another person.
Love is about self-transcendence and making sacrifices for the good of the loved one
At its core, love is about self-transcendence and making sacrifices for the good of the loved one. Love requires individuals to prioritize the well-being and happiness of their loved ones over their own desires and needs. It is a selfless act that involves putting the other person’s needs and happiness above one’s own.
Complexity of Love
Love is not cozy or comfortable but found in solitude, defeat, and sacrifice
Contrary to popular belief, love is not always cozy or comfortable. It is often found in moments of solitude, defeat, and sacrifice. Love challenges individuals to step outside of their comfort zones and confront their own vulnerabilities and limitations. It is through these trials that love can truly thrive and grow.
Love is an invitation to grow and become more than oneself
Love is not stagnant but rather an invitation to grow and become more than oneself. It pushes individuals to continuously evolve and develop as they navigate the complexities of a relationship. Love encourages personal growth and self-improvement, as individuals strive to be the best version of themselves for their loved ones.
Love does not need rules, boundaries, or definitions
Unlike other aspects of relationships, such as rules, boundaries, or definitions, love does not require these constructs. Love is a boundless and fluid force that cannot be contained or restricted by rules. It exists outside the constraints of societal expectations and norms. Love thrives in its purest form, unencumbered by constraints or definitions.
Sacrifices in Love
Love is not always easy or pleasant, but can bring self-satisfaction
Love is not always a walk in the park. It can involve hardships, challenges, and sacrifices. However, despite the difficulties, love can bring immense self-satisfaction and fulfillment. The act of sacrificing for the sake of love can provide individuals with a sense of purpose and fulfillment that surpasses the temporary discomfort or pain.
It is better to learn how to love than to be loved
Learning how to love another person is a transformative experience that can lead to personal growth and development. It involves understanding the core essence of love and being willing to make sacrifices for the well-being of the loved one. While being loved is undoubtedly a pleasant feeling, the act of loving someone can have a profound impact on an individual’s character and overall happiness.
Love is not about material things, but about giving and selflessness
Love should not be equated with material possessions or superficial gestures. True love is rooted in giving and selflessness. It is about providing emotional support, care, and understanding to the loved one. The value of love lies in the intangible aspects, such as empathy, compassion, and genuine connection.
Immortality Through Sacrifice
Sacrificing for love can make one immortal in the lives, minds, and hearts of loved ones
By making sacrifices for the sake of love, individuals can create a lasting impact on the lives of their loved ones. The act of selflessness and devotion can make one immortal in the memories, thoughts, and hearts of those they love. Even after one’s physical presence is gone, the sacrifices made for love can continue to shape and influence the lives of others.
Respect in Relationships
Respect can mean different things to men and women
Respect holds different meanings for men and women within the context of relationships. While respect may involve admiration and recognition of a person’s accomplishments for men, it may encompass empathy and active listening for women. Understanding and acknowledging these differences in the perception of respect can lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Acknowledging performative excellence to earn respect
In order to earn respect in relationships, it is important to recognize and acknowledge performative excellence. This involves appreciating and valuing the skills, talents, and achievements of one’s partner. By showing admiration and respect for the other’s accomplishments, individuals can foster a positive and supportive environment within the relationship.
Distinguishing basic human dignity from earning respect based on superior ability
It is crucial to differentiate between basic human dignity and earning respect based on superior ability. Every individual deserves to be treated with dignity and respect simply by virtue of being human. Earning respect based on one’s abilities or achievements should not diminish the inherent dignity that each person possesses.
In conclusion, relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, contain inherent transactional elements. It is through these transactions that individuals seek to fulfill their own needs and wants. However, love stands apart from other emotions and actions. It is a unique and complex phenomenon that cannot be defined by transactional exchanges alone. Love involves self-transcendence, sacrifice, and the willingness to prioritize the well-being of the loved one. While love may not always be easy or comfortable, the profound impact it has on individuals and their relationships is worth the challenges it presents. Love, at its core, is a transformative force that invites personal growth and selflessness. By embracing the complexities and sacrifices of love, individuals can create lasting and meaningful connections that transcend time and leave a lasting impact on the lives of those they love.
This is the second part of an interview with Orion Taraban, a psychologist in the San Francisco Bay area. If you missed the first part, you can watch it here.
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Christopher Conway, the innovative mind behind “Love Blueprints,” is a seasoned relationship expert and author. His insightful guidance, drawn from years of experience and study, offers transformative strategies for modern love and dating. Christopher’s commitment to enhancing romantic connections has made “Love Blueprints” a go-to resource for those navigating the complexities of relationships.
