How to Change Your Love Style

By | April 16, 2023
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Changing your love style can be a challenging but rewarding experience. Many people believe that their love style is fixed or inherent, but in reality, it can be altered and developed over time. With the right tools and a commitment to personal growth, you can learn how to cultivate more fulfilling and healthy relationships. In this blog post, we will explore the key elements of love style, identify common patterns, and provide actionable strategies for transforming your approach to love.


Have you ever found yourself struggling with the same relationship patterns over and over again? Perhaps you consistently attract partners who are emotionally unavailable or maybe you find yourself becoming overly dependent on your partner. Believe it or not, these patterns are typically related to our childhood experiences and the love styles that were learned during that time. The good news is that with persistence and a desire to change, it is possible to change these ingrained love styles. In this article, we will explore the five different love styles identified by Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich in their book “How We Love” and how to change negative love styles to improve your relationships.

Love Styles Learned in Childhood

The way we learn to love is shaped by our experiences in early childhood. The love style we develop affects the way we interact with our romantic partner as adults. According to research, an unhealthy love style learned in childhood can lead to feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and depression in adulthood. Identifying and understanding your love style can be the first step in making positive changes to your relationship.

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Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s Love Styles

Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich, in their book “How We Love,” have identified five different love styles that people tend to fall into. These five love styles include:

  1. The Avoider: Those who tend to avoid closeness and distance themselves from their partners emotionally.
  2. The Pleaser: Those who prioritize their partner’s needs above their own and can become codependent.
  3. The Vacillator: Those who experience high highs and low lows in their relationships and struggle with inconsistency and instability.
  4. The Controller: Those who tend to be perfectionists and can become controlling in their relationships.
  5. The Victim: Those who often feel like the world is against them and struggle with self-esteem and boundaries.

It’s important to note that not everyone fits neatly into one of these categories and that people can exhibit traits from multiple love styles.

Negative Love Styles and Personal Growth

Negative love styles can hinder personal growth and progress in relationships. For example, those with an avoidant love style may unintentionally push away their partners and struggle with forming deep connections. Pleasers may sacrifice their own needs and desires for the sake of their partner, leading to resentment and an unbalanced relationship. Controllers may struggle to let go of their need for control, making it difficult to collaborate and compromise with their partner. Understanding these patterns can help us to recognize negative behaviors that may be holding us back from experiencing growth in our relationship.

Changing or Managing Love Style Impulses

While our love style may be deeply ingrained, change is possible. It’s important to recognize that changing your love style is a process that takes time and effort. Here are some strategies for changing or managing love style impulses:

  • Identify your love style by reflecting on your relationship patterns and challenges. Use resources such as “How We Love” to gain a deeper understanding of your love style.
  • Practice mindfulness by being present in the moment and noticing your thoughts, feelings, and actions. This awareness can help in recognizing negative patterns and making positive changes.
  • Challenge negative beliefs and assumptions about yourself and your partner. For example, if you tend to blame yourself or your partner for relationship problems, try to reframe your thinking to a more balanced perspective.
  • Communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your needs, wants, and feelings. This can help in developing a more secure and balanced relationship.
  • Seek therapy or counseling to address underlying issues related to your love style. Professional help can provide additional support and guidance in making positive changes.

Video: How to Change a Love Style for Better Relationships

To learn more about how childhood influences love styles and how to change negative patterns in your relationship, check out this informative video:

[Link to YouTube Video]

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It’s important to note that the information in this article is for informational and intrinsic purposes only and does not replace professional treatment. If you are struggling with relationship issues, it’s always a good idea to seek the guidance of a qualified therapist or counselor.


Changing your love style may not be easy, but it is possible. By identifying your love style, understanding negative patterns and behaviors, and implementing strategies for change, you can make progress towards a more secure and fulfilling relationship. Remember, it takes time, effort, and patience, but the end result is worth it.


  1. What is a love style?
    A love style refers to our patterns of behavior and attitudes towards love that have been learned in early childhood and affect our relationships as adults.

  2. How can I identify my love style?
    Reflection and self-awareness can help in identifying your love style. You can also use resources such as “How We Love” to gain a deeper understanding of your love style.

  3. Can I change my love style?
    Yes, change is possible, but it takes time and effort. Implementing strategies such as practicing mindfulness, challenging negative beliefs, and seeking professional help can help in making positive changes.

  4. Can negative love styles be harmful to personal growth?
    Yes, negative love styles can hinder personal growth and progress in relationships by contributing to feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and depression.

  5. How can therapy or counseling help in changing a love style?
    Professional help can provide additional support and guidance in addressing underlying issues related to your love style and making positive changes.